There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
