mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
