i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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