Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
