trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize