dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
