i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
