We're facebook friends in real life
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
