i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
