I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
