Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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