i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
