My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize