So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
