Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
