in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
And then my night got REAL pukey
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
