seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
