Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
