Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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