im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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