somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Randomize
