Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
