Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
