I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
