I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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