This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
