This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
