we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
