Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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