You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
