She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
