hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
