At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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