3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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