I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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