Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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