i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Randomize