new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
