I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize