he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Say something about gay babies.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
