there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
