Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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