Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
