what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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