just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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