i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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