rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
