During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
