You just made me feel so damn special
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
