If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
