Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
