whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
