What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
