Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
