I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
