I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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