So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
