Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
