I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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