I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
